| It’s been forever since I wrote a post on here. I wish I knew the meaning of life. Or love. Richy and I have been fighting A LOT lately. I love him to death, but I'm scared. I'm scared he's ganna leave me. I don't want him to hurt me, so lately I’ve been leaving. I know its stupid cuz I want to be with him more than anything else. But everyone else I've ever loved has left me after promising they wouldn't....
Justin- we weren't together when he was supposed to be there forever. I knew there was something about him when we dated. I figured it wouldn't last. After we broke up (he did it online) though and after he came out to me, He was supposed to be my best friend forever. My BFF. But in 10th grade he left me for Danny, He actually blocked my s/n for a month and only spoke to me in lunch and French class. My greatest memory of Justin was the summer between 9th and 10th grade and up until February of 10th grade. That summer we were models and best friends. He had Jeremy and I had them both. They were my friends. They teased me but never in a mean way. Justin convinced me I didn't need a nose job (though that might have been in 9th grade he said that). In November when my world fell apart cuz of Tony, Justin was there for me. He was always there until Danny. But whatever. He has Victor and Mabel now. Why would he need me? I didn't like Mabel. She talked shit on my parents, cuz they don't let me drink or do whatever I want. I couldn't take that. I ended up at Long's lunch table for the rest of the year. I don't have any of the people I thought were my friends in 12th grade. They ditched me. I wasn't good enough. Why's it matter? If I'm not good enough for them maybe they're not good enough for me. But they are...they're too good for me.
Tony- another person who left me. I loved him so much. Since the day I saw him in Homeroom in 9th grade. I got all stupid around him, and I hated that. He would say "Look Merissa it’s snowing" and I'd always look. Not cuz I believed him but cuz he actually noticed me. In 10th grade he was in my English class. He sat behind me, and he used to poke. He made a website online and his picture page was 2 people. Him and me (my caption was Merissa my friend from English who I poke), but I felt so special cuz I was on his website. I had a silly little quiz thinger that my friend Josh sent me and I gave it to Tony and had him fill it out. The last question was would u go out with me. He wrote "that depends, are you asking?" So I said sure and he became my first real straight boyfriend. We dated for 3 days. He said it was awkward, but I wanted him to like me. I wanted him to love me. So when he asked if I wanted to be friends with benefits, I said yes. It was stupid, I know, but I wanted to make him happy. So we started messing around. I kinda liked it but I wanted him to love me, not just have me there to fool around with, so when he asked me out again at the end of the month I said yes...really fast. We were supposed to go roller skating on our first date. It would have been my first real date ever (I don't really count the Stevie Nicks concert with Justin as a real date but it was fun). I bought a new outfit (with the help of Justin of course) New jeans a cute top, and my very first thong. It had flames on it. It was so cute. He ended up having to cancel our date, so I tried to get my dad to let me go to the Misfits concert with Justin and Missy, but he wouldn't. Looking back I dunno if I should be happy that he didn't let me go or said. Around 6 Tony showed up at my house cuz he has an aunt in the neighborhood and he wanted to see me while his family was visiting her. In the basement we started making out, and then we lost our virginity to each other. I just wanted him to love me, and hold me, and want me to be his. Afterwards we held hands and cuddled and watched see spot run. It’s funny that the only thing I really remember about that night was see spot run (good movie). I was happy though. The next weekend he came over again and we watched stupid movies and did it I think 2 more times. (Brave little toaster and chainsaw). I'll elaborate. The first time that day was during Brave little toaster goes to mars. And the second time while we were...my dad who was out back turned on the chainsaw and scared the hell outta Tony. It was funny, he got really pale. That was the last day he ever came to my house. Nov 9, 2002. He got grounded that night. We still spent time at school. Almost got caught with his hand in my pants by Mr. Wade. Groped each other in Ms. Zeller's class. The usual stuff. Everyday after English. I'd walk him to the stairwell so he could go to Vo-tech, everyday he'd kiss me say I love you and give my hand a squeeze. Nov 22, 2002 (3 days b4 our one month anniversary) he did everything the same, the kiss, the I love you the hand squeeze, but he did something different, he handed me a letter. He didn't even have the balls to tell me in person. He gave me a letter breaking up with me. (3 days later on our would be anniversary he started going back out with his ex Kerry) He said we went to fast. HE INITIATED EVERYTHING. I just wanted to be loved. I don't remember the sex, I remember him. The way he smelled, the way his hair looked. That STUPID cute shirt "remember my name you'll be screaming it later) that yellow button down. Tony wasn't right for me anyways; he was a preppy pretty boy. Not really, he was a hot Italian geek that liked to cook and dance to techno and make fun of my inability to pronounce words with the letters th and s in them like thesis and thesaurus and hypothesis. We were friends with benefits to more times that year. and he tried to get me to cheat on Richy in 11th grade, but I couldn't. I still have the note from him about it though. I showed Richy. He was upset but he got over it. I actually slept with Richy partially cuz of that note. I knew Tony wanted me; I wanted to know if Richy did. He did. But Tony was possibly the hardest to lose cuz he was my first time. I miss him, but only as a friend now.
Sarah- She was the first girl I ever really loved. We started dating in January. She was fun, silly, sweet, cute, nice, cute, very huggable, did I say cute already cuz she’s cute. She made me feel good. She was so kind and sweet. I got her a ring for Valentine’s Day. But them we didn’t really get to see each other that often, and she came at a bad time. I was constantly fighting with Justin so I was upset a lot. Things started to fall apart. So around late February, she left, and I ended up losing two people I cared about a lot within the same week. Her and Justin. I started sitting at other lunch tables when I could. I’d alternate so I wouldn’t cry at the table cuz if I didn’t alternate I sat with both of them everyday and I couldn’t handle that. Lunch with them and Tony’s new girlfriend (who was his ex b4 me) then English with Tony. We barely kissed, but we hung out at shows and at school when we could. We’re good friends again; we make out more now than we did then. Its fun. We make better friends.
Jimmy- The last guy to leave me (if u don’t count when Richy left). Jimmy was a long shot. He wasn’t too bright but I thought he was kinda hot. I don’t even remember why. I just didn’t think he’d ever like me like that, so I called in a favor from a mutual friend (my Syd). She talked to him and he asked me out. We went on our first date on my mom’s birthday; he, my cousin Tash, and I went to see X2. We had fun, it’s a good movie. That was Saturday. I went to his house That Monday for his birthday party. It was so much fun and I met his friends. They were nice. We took pictures with the camera I got for my birthday. And we made a video of his mom dancing to “Hot in Herre” by Nelly. I don’t know, but I really liked him. He was a show kid and he was fun in the pit. He broke his thumb or wrist or something, we still had fun even tho he had a cast. We went to the beach and boogie boarded and I almost drowned. It was fun. He had a tendency to hurt my feelings and not really care, but I don’t think I minded. He flirted openly with other girls, but I figured, he’s coming home with me so it’s ok. Then he started spending a lot of time with his friends who were all girls, we got into a big fight and he told me “Be glad I don’t like pretty girls or I wouldn’t be dating you”. *Fact check* He called me ugly, my friends hated him, my mom hated him, and he spent all his time with 2 girls (both of whom told me b4 me he had been trying to get with them), think I left? Nope. I kept trying. He told me he wanted to live together after we graduate. It was the first time; I actually made a plan about my future. We were ganna live in an apartment, sleep on a futon, be practically broke. I was ganna go to NYU for interior design, he was ganna be a carpenter. After I graduated we were ganna move to California and build a house. And we were ganna have kids. I think deep down I knew it wouldn’t happen, but I liked the sound of it. We got into a fight cuz he was flirting with someone. He said sorry, and I said your always sorry, and he broke up with me the next day, but we got back together, things were just different. He started spending more time at Backyard wrestling. Then one morning B4 School he wasn’t where we all hang out. So I went to look for him and he sent Andy over to tell me it was over. *side note* So lets get this straight. Justin dumped me via yahoo, Tony via letter, and Jimmy via Andy. AM I THAT MUCH OF A FUCKING HORRIBLE PERSON? I feel like this chick from a web comic I like. http://www.queenofwands.net/d/20030922.html <---this is me. I’m Kestrel. *back to what I had been talking about* I was crushed that Jimmy left; He said we could still be friends. So we stayed friends. We’d walk to classes together, we’d hold hands sometimes, he’d give me little tap kisses, he came to Dorney Park with my family, William (my friend who paid Jimmy’s way” and me. We had fun at Dorney; he got me on every roller coaster (even steel force). I thought I had a chance of getting back together. He usually called me every night but one night he didn’t call. I found out the next morning (the morning of the homecoming game) he was dating Iris. I didn’t like her. I do now, she’s cool people, but I just didn’t want her with him cuz I still liked him, and I was afraid she was ganna hurt him. But he was with her. He was gone, he moved on. So I did what I felt was necessary since I had hit Rock bottom. I took a bunch of pills and tried to kill myself. Syd and William told the guidance counselor, and she called my mom. Its really fucked up when u try to kill yourself cuz u don’t feel loved and your mom says “Are you crazy you could have gotten in trouble for taking pills on school property” I wanted to die so bad that day, So I caused myself more pain. I skipped the pep rally with Jimmy. We hung out at Brett’s and then at 3 we went back to school. He had to get her, and I had to meet Syd. I met Iris and I just. I dunno. I tried to be nice. I tried to like her. I decided to not hang with Jimmy till the game, so me and Syd went to Justin’s. She put black eyeliner on me, which I referred to as suicide tears. I just couldn’t believe he was gone. So rumors were spread, Lies were told, feelings were hurt, names were called. And when she cheated on him, he called me and I hung up on him. I couldn't take the pain. Plus I found someone better
Now back to what I was talking about in the first paragraph. I don't want to be without Richy. But I'm afraid he's going to leave me and I don't think I can deal with that pain. So when things get rough I start to leave, partway thru me leaving I realize I don't wanna go at all. So I start taking my time. I give him a chance to stop me. If I wanted to leave I'd just leave. Saturday, after a while I had no intentions of leaving, You could tell. my words went from."I'm out of here I'm leaving I can't do this I'm going in the house and getting my shit and going" to "baby come in the house with me, come with me, please, c'mon we'll talk on the way to the bus terminal". I don't want to leave him. I just don't want him to leave me. Jimmy Tony and Justin all promised they're be there forever, and I ended up hurt worse each time. I just don't want to get hurt. We've been fighting so much and I'm afraid I'm going to lose you. I suggest breaks so you can see how it is without me, cuz maybe then you won't wanna leave, but then I think what if he doesn't wanna come back. I love you Richy, and I don't wanna lose you. I think we need to talk more. About everything. bad stuff and good stuff. You hafta stop saying that you'll never leave, cuz you don't know that. I think you should think about the quote at the bottom of this post. I just don't want to be hurt. I wanna be with you, but even after 2 ½ years and everything we've been thru, I'm still afraid you're ganna hurt me (not physically, altho after Saturday that thought has crossed my mind). Deep down I know you won't, or at least I'm hoping a lot, but its hard to convince myself you're not going anywhere. I huess I should believe you aren't, since ur going to start going to anger classes for me.When you come visit, we'll look at the couples self help tapes. I love you babydoll. I'm going to bed now its 5am
Love much
Rissie
~~~~~~~~~~the quote~~~~~~~
Never Say I Love You
If You Don't Really Care,
Never Talk Bout Feelings
If They Aren't Really There.
Never Hold My Hand
If You Are Going To Break My Heart,
Never Say You Are Going To
If You Don't Plan To Start.
Never Look Into My Eyes
If All You Do Is Lie,
Never Say Hello
If You Really Mean Goodbye.
If You Really Mean Forever
Then Say That You Will Try,
Never Say Forever
Cause Forever Makes Me Cry
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